lost in the snow
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: As Souji, Hijikata, and the others of the Shinsengumi travel through the mountains, it begins to snow. And deeper than this snow is a memory that Souji has suppressed.


**Fandom: Peacemaker Kurogane  
Title: lost in the snow.  
Pairing: Hijikata + Souji  
Rating: PG  
Description: As Souji, Hijikata, and the others of the Shinsengumi travel through the mountains, it begins to snow. And deeper than this snow is a memory that Souji has suppressed****.**

**Disclaimer: Peacemaker Kurogane isn****'****t mine.**

The snow piles higher and higher  
and it obstructs the "you" that I'm accustomed to.  
Higher and higher does it rise  
as it falls down faster than I think it should.

You are buried deeply here,  
Inside a snow globe,  
my frozen heart.

**lost in the snow.  
by miyamoto yui**

I held onto the straw hat above me as the snowflakes fell upon everything like a soft dew-like rain.  
However, in its strangeness, it was beautiful. I called it this because as the whiteness from the sky fell, it covered things so quietly, almost erasing that it was even there.  
After a while, the grass that was under my shoes became wet and the color of a blank piece of parchment. As if it wasn't there at all. And yet, even the tallest of the grass was also trampled on by the sky's frozen tears, each imperfect and new in their creation.

As the others were walking a little ahead of us, I took a deep breath. This was the brief time, in this peaceful silence within my head, in which I could relax just a wee bit.  
Like a little child unaccustomed to the complex hierarchy of society and untouched by the cruelties that existed in the world, especially that of this time, I took off the gloves that he had given me and held both of my hands out in the cold. As I was walking, I was looking up at the sky like a fool blinded by an experiment and down at the snowflakes that landed in to my white palms.

I laughed with a squeak in my voice. "Ahaha~! Look, Hijikata-san!"  
Running up to him, I held the flakes in front of him as they began to melt in my hands. This made me a little sad. I wish I could have held them much longer.

They reminded me of people.

His head did not turn, but his eyes glanced at the small puddle forming between my hands. His right eyebrow raised in response as he nodded his head to say that he was listening to me. That was the best response I could get out of him, and for some reason, it seemed enough.

Well, for a while, it was. But then it started to bother me.  
I always wondered what was going through that man's head. Even though everyone thought he was a bit too arrogant and intimidating at times, I always thought of Hijikata-san as Hijikata-san. After all, I had always been his servant, which meant that I was always by his side. Maybe I should have been treated lowly because of that status, but that never crossed my mind. He never gave me reason to.  
Sure, he was abrupt, but he never made me feel like I was lower than a human being. Funny that this thought was coming from one such as myself and the life I led…

I put my gloves on because Hijikata was starting to stare at my fingers and that was a clear indication that I should warm them up because he was getting slightly irritated by my childishness. But that didn't stop me from catching more snowflakes in between my hands. I continued to smile at him while closing my eyes a bit.

It always amazed me how I could grin at myself like this. But then I always countered by thinking that it was better than having another kind of facial expression. I'd rather that Hijikata knew me as one that smiled around him than a person who always complained and cried.  
He hated people like that anyway.

I wondered if he ever felt the need to cry. Or were his tears frozen like the ones falling from the sky at this very moment?

The trail wasn't as bad as it was last time. We had to do such strenuous walking through the harshest snowfall that I thought I would get lost within the whiteness and no one would have noticed that I was gone, thinking, "He's just there in the back." It wasn't reassuring that I caught colds like mad, as if my immune system were suddenly rebelling after all these years of being healthy.  
We walked over burned trees that fell onto the road when we were a couple hundred of feet off the ground. I just wished that we could have hiked through this area when it was spring. I would have liked to see the kind of vegetation that grew here. I heard that there were so many different colors that you could have sworn they were painted on. Why were the things that were real appear the most unreal?

It was all right though. Because when I looked behind us, I saw nothing but the footprints we imprinted, which were soon to be snowed on and forgotten, like the ocean washing away the writings on the sand. I knew that because Hijikata took me to a beach once. It was only for a couple of hours, but I stood on the wet sand and wrote my name on it. Then, I watched the sea's fingers come and rub it out as if it was never there. I never knew why Hijikata took the time to take me there, but I was happy.

I remembered smiling at him with my hand blocking the sun. And for a short moment, he nodded and smiled at me. Then, he turned towards the ocean that came and receded between his ankles.

"What are you smiling about now, Souji?" Hijikata suspiciously asked as he turned his head to watch me drain the water from my gloves.  
I no longer wanted to catch snowflakes. I opened my mouth into a wider grin with my teeth showing as I said, "You say that like I'm conspiring something."  
"With you, I never know," he simply responded while turning his head away from me.  
With a twinkle in my eye, I played fake innocence. "Are you scared of what I'm thinking?"  
"Hmph."  
I laughed at him, but I didn't say another word to him.

I loved teasing him. It was one of those wonderful things in life to do with stoic types or people that were so sincere because they thought you were serious. At this point, however, I couldn't distinguish which camp he belonged in.

When we came to the inn that we were staying in for the next few days, it was early evening. We put our stuff down and began to eat dinner. Of course, afterwards, we began to drink.

People lost their inhibitions when they drank. I would always sip at my sake coyly, making it seem that I was drinking a number of times when I had significantly less than anyone else. It was funny to watch everyone having fun, even on borrowed time.  
Even though it was a sense of false happiness.  
There were all kinds of drunks. The ones that became very giddy, the ones that became spiteful…oh, there were so many. It amused me to no end.

I was the quiet type and that was fine by me. I would rather die than let go of my poker face. It was the one thing I was most prideful about.

But in between all the laughter, I looked around to find that Hijikata was not anywhere in sight. Okay, so it kind of irritated me that I lost sight of him. If there was anyone I knew about, it was him.

That was the time that I put my cup down. I knew I had drunk too much.

When I searched the rooms, I shook my head as I peeped my head into each one. I blinked my eyes as I felt my cheeks blush a bit. I built my tolerance for alcohol, but it was a perilous journey. One that should never be recounted again.

He was nowhere to be found and I knew better than to be worried. After all, the first time I showed my nervousness over this particular subject, he shouted at me. "No one's supposed to worry about me!"  
"Who made up that rule?!" I shouted back with my hands in fists and my foot stepping forward.  
I never lost my temper, but when you knew your master's habits, how could you not feel a bit concerned? Especially with Hijikata's rigidness?  
The stars could have been misaligned before he gave into mistakes.

But he was only human. I knew that. He just didn't want to accept it.

Everyone hates to show that they're vulnerable. Even if it's through lies or any kind of scapegoat, people will find a way out of explaining themselves. I raise my hand to this offense as well.

So, I rushed outside. I didn't even think of putting my shoes on. Ah, the stupidity of youth.  
In socks, I ran out into the white-paved lane. Turning my head from side to side, my eyes were becoming more and more worried by the second.

Where could he have gone? Why did he need to leave?

He would have told me…

"What are you looking for, Souji?" a voice behind me asked through the chaos emerging in my head clashing with the silence that befell the town we were visiting.

There were few lights, but when I turned around in the darkness to face Hijikata, he lit his pipe and I could see that he was almost about to laugh at me. In a playful tone, he questioned, "Even when I step  
outside, I have to tell you? I wonder who's the master between us."  
I walked over to him and stood before him. He sat on the porch and looked down at him, feeling the water seep into my socks.

I didn't know what I was feeling more: anger at him leaving suddenly or relieved that I found him.

"This makes us even for your earlier silence," he said while cutting into my thoughts.  
But I didn't budge.

"I hate snow," I quietly said with a sigh. "I really hate snow, did you know that?"  
I closed my eyes and kept my calm. Then, without another word, I stomped back into the inn.

When I went back into the party, I drank and drank. I didn't care about anything.

Since when did I start caring about myself anyway?

**+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**

There were things that you purposely forgot until you were faced with them. Until there was a trigger to bring back things that you pushed away, you were able to run away from anything. Your mind was the worst thing in the world, even if it was the most brilliant thing ever created.

But why was I suddenly here again?

No matter how many miles I had been able to run with all that I had, there was nothing before me and nothing behind me. I wondered if I would be engulfed by the whiteness that was starting to penetrate deeply into my heart.  
But as I was coming closer and closer to "civilization", there were bodies along the way. Their blood shone brilliantly in the sun as it glittered while being absorbed by the white snow. As a child, the color made me think of sakura.

There were bandages filled with blood with bodies no longer showing through the heaps of ice. These bloodied bandages waved like flags of surrender in the wind.

I was too horrified to be scared. I was too lonely to stop myself from crying. For who would hear me at such a desolate place?

And there she was among the bodies. My mother in her blue kimono. The one she couldn't let go of. I don't know if she was really my mother, but she treated me like a son, so I guessed that was the best name for her.

I can't remember her face because it's faded with time, assimilating the picture of the ice that I had passed through. The ice filled with nothing but blood. It almost looked poetic in a way…

"Yuki…Yuki…" her soft, gentle voice said to me as she held my hand. "Go far away from here. I won't let it be your time, Yuki."  
"Where will I go, Mama?"  
She pointed towards the mountains. "Pray for guidance. Stay there for a few days and then leave for good. Never come back."  
That was when she pulled my face in order to kiss my forehead.

There was only one way out of this area. Or rather, the only safe way.

I took whatever she told me to and ran to the mountains to hide. There was no one else with me because they were all killed before they even came.  
My mother was one of the protectors of the village because there was a shortage of men when they went into the city. But the approaching war detained them from coming home all together.

And so, when I saw her, I fell to my knees, but I wouldn't cry. That was the worst thing you could ever show to anyone: your tears.  
"Everyone's weak in their own way, Yuki. If you say that you're not scared, then you aren't. That's the power of your mind," she had told me as she was making dinner one evening.

I was only able to bury her. Somehow, with my numb hands, I was able to. With a knife, I cut my long braid and buried it with her. I put it in her hand so that she could always hold onto me.

Then, I left without looking back.

**+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**

I blinked my eyes open to find that I was staring up to the brown ceiling above me. I was almost to the point of laughing at myself. I probably looked so pathetic, passing out like that. Losing my cool and all.

There was a lamp burning in one corner with his back towards me in the empty room.

That's right…  
My name was Yuki.

I slowly got up, but quiet enough so that he wouldn't have suspected that I was awake already. I crawled towards him like a little kid ready to pounce their loved one.

And when I came to you, I renamed myself. Or rather, I forgot my name and you gave me this new name. That's why I treasure this name even though it's stained with blood. You're the one who gave me this with your own lips.

You can't rewrite the blood on the snow, but you were trying to melt it.

Not your own frigidness, but mine.

As I put my hands on his shoulders, I peeked over at the notebook he was writing in. "What are you doing?"  
He coughed and sat there, wondering whether to show me or to close it.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders while smiling playfully. "Tell me what did you write."

"No," he said defensively.  
It only spurned my curiosity even further. "Please?"  
He shook his head. "Absolutely not."  
"I'll look through the rest of the notebook if you don't read it to me."

He took a long sigh as I hugged him a bit tighter. I buried my face into his shoulder for a moment with my medium-length hair touching his long ponytail.

Then, he began to read. Unexpectedly, it was a haiku:  
_  
"Snow is like clear tears,  
Washing away what is there.  
Awaiting for spring.__"_

"The winters here last forever," I mumbled as my cold body tried to absorb the warmth of his.

I didn't know if I was speaking for the town of my childhood buried long ago or the frigidness that my heart had become.

And yet, I was able to love this person so, so much…  
But the weakness within my tears began to stain his shoulder.

I didn't want you to be lost in the snow too. Not you too, Hijikata-san…  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note: **Just because the anime has ended doesn't mean that I don't yearn for it. :p So, here was the fic that I thought of. I was thinking of something with "snow", so that's why I spent some time explaining it as best as I could. The first thing I thought of was "Souji".  
Man, I had a long fic about Souji and Hijikata's past, but alas, it is in the comp that I won't touch for a couple of months. Argh. Along with my Kaga and Tsutsui fic. ;_;  
Oh, well, I made this one anyway, and it's so bittersweet to me. I think it's because I believe that the truly kind people in the world are the ones that have been through hardships that won't appear on their smiling faces. And, I really like the juxtaposition of Souji and Hijikata's characters. Trying to layer on the multi-dimensional symbolism with snow was hard. ^^;  
**  
Thursday, June 10, 2004  
**


End file.
